So, who am I?

I'm not sure how far back to go or how much to share here. So, here's the intro in my Bible Study, Discarded. Maybe that will be enough for now.

My story
At the age of almost two, my mother and father divorced, something that was far less common in 1967. My mother was a beautiful but innocent woman who believed she could provide enough love and goodness in their marriage for both of them. My father was a very talented country musician, played the guitar and drums, and had a wonderful voice. I’ve been told he was a studio player for big names in Nashville, and that if I look hard enough on the backs of old vinyl album covers, maybe I’ll see his name. But as a musician in the early 60’s, he was prone to using too much alcohol, taking too many pills, and sleeping with too many women. It’s true! I have been told I have anywhere from five to nine half siblings. All from different mothers. I am likely the oldest. He was abusive, belligerent, even violent at times.

I never blamed my mother for getting away from him. And unlike many divorced and injured women, she never bad-mouthed my father to me. She very easily could have done so. After all, I never saw him. He couldn’t have pleaded his case because he wasn’t around. And not because he couldn’t find me. My mom simply wanted me to make up my own mind someday. And I did.

It was always obvious to me growing up that my father didn’t want me. My mother made every effort to keep my paternal grandparents (who also showed no interest in me) in the loop regarding where we were moving, where she was working, and how I was doing. So, had my father ever asked about me? I’ll never really know. I doubt it, since I can count on both hands the number of times I saw him, face-to-face before his death when I was in my early 50’s. And every encounter was initiated by me.

I’ve been prone to self-doubt, sexual promiscuity, given to excesses like drugs, alcohol and even food, craved attention from all the wrong attention-givers, desperate for some sort of explanation or resolution. For years I blamed myself and kept asking God, “Why?” And I was angry and unforgiving toward God, blaming Him for my abandonment.

After years of feeling sorry for myself, looking for love in all the wrong places, surviving suicidal thoughts and actions, addictions, and abusive relationships, I found a savior. I found THE Savior. And I began to realize that Psalm 68:5 was meant for me; He really IS a father to the fatherless. He showed me that perhaps I was blessed to have the earthly father I had, and even MORE blessed that he wasn’t a part of my life. I know that may sound hard to believe, but not having my father in my life literally spared me from far more pain than I ended up experiencing. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying that it was okay for my father to be who and what he was. God certainly instructs earthly fathers on how to raise their children. And Dad never did that but should have. What I’m saying is that Jesus can equip us to forgive, and even love our fathers. He can make us grateful for a past that has tended to haunt us, and thus free us from its bondage. We can see our suffering as a means to an end; being made more like Jesus. It’s not the easiest journey to take, and it takes effort and openness to grow through it; a commitment to strive toward a closer what with your heavenly Father.